An Epic Fail...

 The recent big snow here was great! The kind we only get every 5 or so years. We got over a foot and got to be "snowed in" for a day as a family. We had to do the hard stuff like shoveling our way out...but got to do lots of fun stuff too, like make treats with sprinkles on them, make snow angels, build a snowman, make snow "ice" cream for the first time, etc. It was great to have the hubs home and great to just try and create memories with the boys...

But then there was the time that I found and idea on pinterest, and it was an epic fail. A little bit because there are 3 boys ages 2-5 in my house, but mostly because of me. Because I like things to go smoothly and according to plan. Because I like things to happen the way I expect them to. Because maybe I like to be in control. A little too much.

I can't find the exact site again right now, but this was the idea of what I wanted to do with the boys. They love to paint and I thought it would be a great new take on painting they could enjoy. The part that went great was me just opening the back door and scooping a huge bowl of soft snow off our back porch. After that it kind of went downhill. Complaints about who would pick colors first. Pushing. Whining. More complaining. Me trying to reassure them (and myself) how much fun we were about to have. Boys that I'm trying to get to help that still need help with many things themselves. More whining. Spills. Food coloring stains. More whining about who gets what paintbrush.

And then I finally get all the pieces together and we are ready to paint. Not sure at this point why I didn't just bag the whole thing and call it quits. Hope for what it could be, I guess. But it wasn't as glamorous as I thought. They didn't like the paper I picked. They didn't like the paintbrushes they picked. They didn't like how it looked. More spills. More whining (from me too...).

It wasn't working and I could feel the tension rising inside of me. Spills were happening. Stains were appearing. Holes in the paper. Leaks through the paper. Food coloring staining everything. And I came a bit "unglued." I'm reading the book Unglued, and even though I hate to admit it, I have more of these moments than I want. Sometimes at the littlest things. That seem huge in the moment. And this did me in for the day. I was done. I hated pinterest. I wanted the boys to quickly go away so I could try to salvage my pride a bit and clean up the mess without too much damage happening...to the table and floor, and also to my boys.

And in those few moments, I realized (I learned in a new way about myself) just how much control I like to have. Just how neat I like things to be. Just how pretty I want the package to look on the outside. Just how easy the littlest thing could take a day that was going great and turn it upside down for me.

But just like I'm trying to teach Micah these days (probably because he is a lot like me, whether I want to admit it or not), each day is a new day. We get to start over. A clean slate. And I am SO grateful for that! And so grateful for forgiving boys who don't hold these moments over my head. Just like my Heavenly Father!

When I grow up...

None of my kids are perfect.
I'm very aware of this.
I do have favorites.
But it depends on the day...

Just the other day, though, I found myself thinking, "I want to be more like Judah when I grow up."
He has his faults. I don't want the dramatic side or the easily embarrassed side. I don't want to be a boy! I don't want to run around in my underwear all day. But I do want to experience life a little more through his lenses.

Judah sleeps the least. And I think it might be because he loves life so much and he's afraid he's going to miss something! He talks to himself. He yells. Sings to himself. Makes up stories. Talks in "Spanish." And he loves it. He loves himself! He gets upset when we tell him over and over how awesome he is! How awesome God made him! He gets upset because he says, "No, I already know that!"

He gets it. And he experiences life in a way I don't know if I ever fully have.

Judah is in awe of life. His excitement is bubbly and contagious and genuine. One example: we recently got a book from the library called Wink. Disclaimer: I am going to give away the ending...Judah was the first I read this book to after it came home. He was so into it the whole way through. And as we neared the end, and Wink was announced as The Nimble Ninja at the circus, Judah's love of life and people and his genuine excitement for Wink spilled out of his mouth as his exclaimed, "He still gets to be a ninja!!"

I want this filter. This excitement. And I want it genuine like his is.
And he does a stellar machine gun noise out of his mouth.

I want to be a little more like Judah when I grown up...

To learn or Not to Learn...That is the Question.

In my first 2 weeks of my year of "learning," I think most of it so far has been me opening up and taking a harder look inside myself. I'm reading some books, listening to some podcasts, learning things here and there...but by far it's the inside stuff...And something that matt shared with me this week went something like this, "the greatest learners have found ways to turn criticism into opportunities." So, that's my goal. Opportunity for change!

I wrote a lot down this past week, things I'm learning and such. But the one that struck me most at the time, and has had a hard time leaving my mind, is one that really brought out some strong emotions that I didn't know I had, or that I had never let BE. I'm not a "feeler." It's not a bad thing. Sometimes I think I should be. I know others who are. I just don't tend to enjoy dealing much with my feelings or emotions. But some of them came flooding to the surface last week.

The church that my husband and I recently moved from (after both of us being there more than a decade, and getting married there and having our kids start coming there in their first days of life...) opened up it's doors last week when the weather was bitterly cold and people needed a place to stay. It started for homeless but they also took in dozens of elderly one night too. More on that story. I began seeing posts and pictures from friends on facebook all about it. I was so excited for this. For the Body of Christ BEING the Body to those in need. For those getting a warm bed and loving service. For all that could come of the opportunity. I really enjoyed the posts. I don't get really excited about much. I'm just not that excitable. But I "liked" all the pictures and posts I could!

At first. Then I began to feel a little jealous, I think. I chalked it up to "Holy jealousy." That it was okay because I wanted to be doing what they were doing, but for God's glory. So, that makes it Holy, right? I wanted to be there. I wanted to be a part. I wished they had done stuff like that when we were there. They were changing, for the good, and they were impacting the community as a part of this change.

I think at this point it changed a little to frustration. At this point, this is a lot of emotion for me... Why couldn't I be there? Why didn't they do this before? Why now? Why were we so far away? Why did it bother me so much? I needed to stop looking at the pictures.

As I continued to wrestle with this, I began to ask myself even more questions. Do I just want to be there so bad because I know I can't? Does this help me feel better about myself? If I was there, would I be as involved as I think I want to be when I am so far away and I can't be? What would it really look like for me? Would I make excuses about having 3 small boys or being too busy or living too far away? If it bothered me so much, why wasn't I doing something like this on my own? Why didn't I find my own opportunities? Frankly, I was really hard on myself.

I want to be giving and serving and loving and caring and always put others before and above myself. But when it comes down to it, what am I doing to BE these things? Ultimately, to BE more like Christ. Am I starting with my family? My husband? My kids? Am I keeping my eyes open to see all the needs around me? And when I see them, do I make excuses and keep walking on, or do I stop to think about how I can be part of the solution?

So many thoughts and emotions and feelings and stuff that I didn't know I would feel by seeing some pictures on facebook. So, I'm open. To learn. About why God has allowed me to feel these emotions and about what He wants to change in me as a result.

It's only week 2...this could be a hard year!

New Year Happenings

I wrote a post about my "word" for the year. I started this a few years back when I read about it on another blog. It seemed neat. I'm not one for fads, but now, it seems more like a fad. Like the "in" thing to do is to have "one word." This makes me not want to have my word. But, alas, I had already decided on it and written my post about it before I started seeing it all over the internet...

My word is LEARN. Shortly (like maybe minutes) after I wrote the post, my mom (from across the room on her computer) asked if I was going to keep track. Kind of like the "One Thousand Gifts" book that we had both read, writing it all down in a notebook. I was unsure I wanted to go this far...but decided in the end that it would be good for me. To keep track. To remember. To kind of give a voice to it and make it more real. So I'm keeping a little notebook. It's only been a week, but I'm on track and I think it is helping me evaluate things (including myself) better.

So, as my 2 loyal followers (my mom and my hubs) are on the edge of their seats waiting to know what I've learned thus far...here are just a few from my week. Some are things I learned from others and are way easy to share. Some are about how I am so messed up and they aren't as fun to share. But it's what I'm learning...

1. Don't miss the opportunity to do something good while waiting to do something great!

2. I am quick to raise my voice (mostly at my kids) and slow to show compassion and grace. But I am way better at this when I know others are watching.

3. I am good at finding, researching, pinning, etc. but I am pretty terrible at follow-through.

4. It is way easier to engage in a conversation with someone when I stop every thing else I am doing and hold eye contact (even as awkward as long eye contact feels for me).

5. I get more easily annoyed with one of my boys than the other two. Probably because he is most like me. And I keep realizing more ways he is like me. And it's teaching me more about me and about him. Now, for that compassion to kick in...

These are just a few. It's been a great week of learning. Of reading and listening and self-evaluating.

A Year in Review.

I could go on and on.
But I don't want to. Because I think it could get boring.
So I will keep it short.
And Sweet.

2013 was good. Good enough.
Not great. But good enough.

2014 is going to be better.
I know it is.
Because I just said it is.

The past few years I have picked one word to kind of "live by" for the year. Not a resolution. Not a cure-all. I'm not always good at it. But as a reminder. And as a help to kind of stay focused on something.

So, this year it is "learn." That can be big and general. And I know that. But I want to take more time to learn. To read more and watch more and understand more and learn more through it all. To learn how to be a better wife. How to be a better mom. How to be a better person. To learn more about myself and be humble and willing to change the things that need to be changed. To learn how what it really looks like to serve others and love others and BE WITH others.

I want to learn something new every day. It may be small. It may be big. It may be brand new. It may not.

I'm not going to worry about it today. No learning here today. But tomorrow, it will start!

Here's to learning in the new year!

iPhones and other "Hi" Tech things...

I was not one of the first to get an iPhone.
I will never have the latest and greatest.
I am slow to jump on bandwagons.
I like to get on after the hype has worn off a bit.
We were some of the last of our friends to get texting on our phones. And that was just a few short years ago. And we never got picture messaging. And we got made fun of...
But eventually we wanted an upgrade. We wanted incentive to get in shape and smart phones were good incentive. And iPhones seemed like the best option for us. And I love mine. And we just convinced my mom that it's great and she got one too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a die-hard, and I know they're not perfect. But it is helpful and convenient. And it looks sharp too!
But here's my soapbox. There are many reason why I don't like my iPhone (or really just smart phones in general, but I'll keep this personal and talk about the plank in my eye before talking about others' splinters). Sure, it's great to have a good camera always handy, it's more than helpful to have a GPS with me always, it's great for occupying young boys when waits get long or for occupying me when I am bored or uncomfortable in a social setting, and it's nice to feel "on the in."
But sometimes it just sucks the life out of me. Or sucks me out of my kids' lives.
Like when I sort of here "mommy" in the background but don't answer until the 4th or 5th time because I am too "busy" looking at instagram or reading FB posts.
Like when I look back on my day and realized I have spent more intentional time on my phone than face to face with my kids.
Like when I know someone is trying to talk to me, but I display I am not interested enough in what they are saying because I keep checking my phone.
Like when I am in a face to face conversation, but disregard that in order to reply to a text that "can't wait" a few more minutes.
Like when I am in a church or Bible study type setting and go into my Bible app, but then get lost in other apps and lose focus on what is really supposed to be the focus.
Like when I take a phone call or start answering texts while in line somewhere. And then act like that cashier or person helping me needs to stay quiet and wait to me to try and multitask. 
And so many more...And so many of these, I don't even really realize that I have done these things in the moment. Sometimes it's later. As I'm falling asleep at night and thinking over my day. As I'm thinking about moments I lost in the precious lives of my boys or others.
I like my phone. I don't want to give it back. Don't want to get rid of it. But I do need to make sure that my phone (or the things I have on my phone, that aren't bad in an of themselves) doesn't get in the way of relationships.
With people in my life.
With my kids.
With my God. 
I need to look up more often and say Hi.
And stay looking up to wait for the response...

Amazing Race Failures and Zoolights

There have been many times where I have watched the show Amazing Race and thought things like, "that would be so fun," and "I could do that better than them," and so on...
But when it comes down to it, there have been way more times in my life (with and without family) where I have realized that I would probably be one of the first ones out of the race.
Yesterday we decided to go to Zoolights. We thought maybe a Thursday wouldn't be as busy. We left our house around 4:15, dropped dinner off for a friend who recently had a baby, and were on our way. The GPS said we should get there around 5:45. Later than I wanted. I wanted to get there around opening at 5 to get the most out of it. But not terrible.
We got on 66 and were thankful we were in the opposite direction of most of the traffic...but that didn't last long...
We hit heavy traffic. We heard on the radio reports of a bomb threat somewhere in the city and how that was making rush hour traffic way worse than normal. We had a hard time with our GPS versus signs we were seeing and circled around the zoo a couple times. We watched it go by. Saw all the lights from a distance. And I almost thought that might be all we saw. The boys were bored with being in the car, hungry, tired (close to bed time already), and anxious to arrive somewhere. And so was I!
We had lost the Amazing Race again, and I was contemplating just turning around and trying to come back another day. Our arrival time originally was 5:45 but now it was after 7. It was 7:30 before we got in and got parked. And then we had to walk in. And bedtime is 8. And it closed at 9. I was annoyed at the journey, but the boys were quickly excited about the lights. I was annoyed that we had to try and walk really fast if we wanted to see most of it, but the boys are so fast at things like that anyways that I don't think it would have been different for them if we arrived earlier...they just don't take long moments to look at things like we might.

They were excited for the lights and the animals and the possibilities. They were disappointed that we didn't want to spend extra $ on extra things like a slide and a carousel ride...but then we would have just had to stand in a line...better off to keep walking!
The best parts? The different lights, especially the ones that lit up to the music. The worst parts? All the animals that were already sleeping and feeling a little rushed and maybe not getting the full experience because of this. 
Overall, they loved it and forgot about the long ride there. And seeing things through their eyes helps me to stay positive and focused in a season where everything feels a bit rushed to me....