It's all about appearances...or is it?

I grew up thinking that appearances were one of the most important things to consider. Things need to look good on the outside. It doesn't matter as much what the inside looks like, as long as we don't let people see it and we manage the outside well.

Over the years I have most certainly dealt with this struggle internally. Not wanting to be all about appearances, while at the same time constantly wanting to appear as though I have it all together. Not wanting to try to fit in to the "mold" while at the same time just wanting to blend in to my surroundings.

But the freedom I have felt more recently by just being able to be me and not always trying to overcompensate or apologize for that has been amazing. Having friends that I really feel comfortable just being around feels so freeing. To be able to ask for help. To not have to say sorry for everything my boys do and make them appear perfect to others. To be able to admit that I have a lot going on right now and I need help with that dinner I said I would prepare. To be ok with not making something from scratch this time. To be ok with not always trying to make sure we are "even" and just knowing that we are friends and it will all even out at some point, without feeling guilty about who is giving and who is receiving at any one moment. I still struggle with all of these. With changing life-long habits and patterns, but I see that it can be different. That I can be ok with my flaws. That it's better to do life together than to appear flawless.

Freedom feels good. I am not perfect. My kids are not perfect. We are far from it. I am often weak and lonely and worrisome and prideful and I want to be around more people who see this and know this and still love me! My kids yell and hit and bite and lie and I want to be around people who see this and know this and don't try to fix them or fix me, but instead love us and through that love help us grow.

It's been almost a year since we moved to this new town. I wrote this post on my pride shortly after that move. Asking for humility is hard and scary and stretching...But it is good. Good to release the need to feel right and perfect and justified in everything. And looking back at the year, I see not only that God is growing me, but also the people God has brought into my life to help me see things differently. And feel them differently. Not to feel loved because of the appearances I have tried so hard to control, but to feel loved just for being me. To feel loved even when people do see it all, and that only makes them love me more.

And feeling the freedom to be me is something that I don't want to lose now that I have "tasted and seen." God is good. He has brought people into my life to be this for me. To show me more clearly what this should look like.  

My rainbow reminder...

I wish I could have captured the whole rainbow that day. It was random and spontaneous and beautiful.
And my thought was "this is supposed to be a reminder of God's promises" but it was a head thing. I couldn't feel it. It wouldn't seem to go any deeper than the head knowledge of the promise. I thought "it's really pretty" and that was about the extent of it.
But today, as I look back through recent pictures, I see it again and feel it more. God's promises. I feel them deeper this time.
I've experienced the answered prayers over the past weeks...months...and looking back at this picture, placing myself once again on the back deck observing the beauty I saw with my eyes that night, I feel it deeper in my heart this time. I can look back and see where God has heard my cries and is revealing himself to me. He knows my heart. He hears my cries. He has promised to never leave or forsake us and I feel this more today. Feeling grateful!

Summer Fun

Summer has been fun.
And hard.
The neighborhood pool has been great for Micah learning to swim, and for overall just wearing the boys out during the day.
But the days sometimes get long, and as much as I know I shouldn't, I sometimes wish away summer so the boys will be back in school.
I like the structure of the school year, but I also like the laziness of summer.
I like that we are moving into a new house soon, but don't like the process of packing and moving again.
Looking back on pictures for the summer, though, one of my favorite parts is getting to go to Watermarks Camp. We went for a whole week in the beginning of the summer and then for a day visit in the middle.
It was awesome because I love it there, love the people, love being outside all day exploring...and it was awesome to introduce our boys to this and watch them thrive. Watch them experience things that they wouldn't otherwise have the opportunity to try...

SLIDES!

 ZIP LINE!!

 NEW FRIENDS!!

 LOTS of STICKS!!

 SWINGS and WATER TIME!

 ROCK WALL!!

 BEING BRAVE!

 A NEW FRIEND!

 GAGA BALL!

That face sums it up. 

I am ready for summer to end. I am ready for the kids to go to school. 

But I don't want to wish this time away, so this is a good reminder to me today of some of the fun we have had and how much I love being able to have adventures with my boys and see the excitement of life through their eyes!

Tap Out.

 Isaiah, tapping out. 

I've never wanted to watch wrestling.
I've never wanted my kids to be involved in wrestling.
But having 3 boys, I've been told they "need" wrestling as boys. They need to get that energy out and feel connected in that way. And I see it now. I do. I just want them to do it where and with whom their supposed to (and this doesn't always happen) but I do get it.
And it wasn't until I learned all this that I learned what "tap out" means. Not sure I know exactly, but I know for our boys it's when they are being wrestled and they need out. They need to be done. They need the person who is weighing them down to get off of them.
Some days I feel like I just need to Tap Out.
Tap. Out.
There is so much wrestling that goes on in my head on a daily basis. And so much that weighs me down some days. I just want to tap out. I want to stop wrestling in my head. Want to stop over analyzing EVERY. little. thing. Want to stop carrying the burden. I mean, some days it feels like everything. From the food that goes into our mouths to the piles of laundry to making sure my kids are "smart enough" for school and all that involves, to making sure bills are paid...and the list goes on.
I don't always feel overwhelmed. I think in general I am a pretty cool, calm, and collected person. But there are wrestling matches that go on in my head. And in my house. From simple things like have my boys had any fruits or vegetables today, to bigger things, like where are my kids going to go to school and how are we going to make sure we as parents are the biggest influences in their lives instead of friends/peer pressure.
There are so many things I could worry about. So many things I DO worry about. I worry about money, and school, and food, and good looks, and material possessions, and how my boys will turn out, and how much damage I am doing to them, and our old house we still own, and blah, blah, blah, blah...
And then I think about how easy I have it and I feel bad for worrying about any of these things! I know I will have a next meal and I know where it will come from. I know we have 1 car even if we don't have 2 and the one we have is ghetto. I know we have a roof, and clothes, and schools to choose from, and heat, and multiple Bibles, and a Jesus who loves us and died for US. We have so much to be thankful for and we are so blessed! And this is what I need to remember when the wrestling starts to happen. I need to Tap Out. Not just to ignore, but to get out from under the weight of it all and LET JESUS take over. Because that's what he wants. And that's what I need. I need to get over myself, and look beyond myself, and allow myself to be loved by Jesus and love others like Jesus. The worry and the weight gets in the way of all of this.
So "tap out."
I'm letting Go.
And letting Jesus. Take. Over.

Judah turns 4!

I love my little Judah bug!

Judah might be the one I've most consistently written about around birthdays. And looking back over my posts, not much as changed...
From the birth story...
To just before turning 1...
To becoming a big brother and then turning 2...
To turning 3, which seems like just yesterday...
And then my recent post on wanting to be like Judah when I grow up...

Time flies.
Not much has changed.
He's still the most dramatic, the most like Matt, the runt of the boys, the most agreeable, the monkey, likes being naked, etc...

There are some newer things, though, that I enjoy.
Like how he responds in general to almost any request, whether in the positive or negative. He almost always says, "I would(n't)."

For examples, because they make me laugh now and I don't want to forget one day...

"Judah, please don't hit your brother again."
Judah, "I wouldn't."

"Can you throw this in the trash for me?"
Judah, "I would."

Other things I love are the conversations we have that are in all seriousness, and always make me laugh...Recently:
Judah is down playing in the basement (where there is a bathroom) when he runs up two floors to go to the bathroom on the third level.
Me, "Judah, there's a bathroom in the basement, why didn't you go down there?"
Judah, "Because I had a plan."
Me, "Oh, a plan to come up here to use the toilet?"
Judah, "Yeah. To play in the basement. And to sleep and poop upstairs."
Me, "Oh, right."

And maybe my favorite. He is totally convinced that I am his wife now and will always be! And he has gotten a little upset if I have talked about him having a wife in the future in a way that describes the wife as not being me. So cute and so funny! He does have a "special friend" right now named PJ, but I'm glad that he still thinks I'm the only girl for him!!

An Epic Fail...

 The recent big snow here was great! The kind we only get every 5 or so years. We got over a foot and got to be "snowed in" for a day as a family. We had to do the hard stuff like shoveling our way out...but got to do lots of fun stuff too, like make treats with sprinkles on them, make snow angels, build a snowman, make snow "ice" cream for the first time, etc. It was great to have the hubs home and great to just try and create memories with the boys...

But then there was the time that I found and idea on pinterest, and it was an epic fail. A little bit because there are 3 boys ages 2-5 in my house, but mostly because of me. Because I like things to go smoothly and according to plan. Because I like things to happen the way I expect them to. Because maybe I like to be in control. A little too much.

I can't find the exact site again right now, but this was the idea of what I wanted to do with the boys. They love to paint and I thought it would be a great new take on painting they could enjoy. The part that went great was me just opening the back door and scooping a huge bowl of soft snow off our back porch. After that it kind of went downhill. Complaints about who would pick colors first. Pushing. Whining. More complaining. Me trying to reassure them (and myself) how much fun we were about to have. Boys that I'm trying to get to help that still need help with many things themselves. More whining. Spills. Food coloring stains. More whining about who gets what paintbrush.

And then I finally get all the pieces together and we are ready to paint. Not sure at this point why I didn't just bag the whole thing and call it quits. Hope for what it could be, I guess. But it wasn't as glamorous as I thought. They didn't like the paper I picked. They didn't like the paintbrushes they picked. They didn't like how it looked. More spills. More whining (from me too...).

It wasn't working and I could feel the tension rising inside of me. Spills were happening. Stains were appearing. Holes in the paper. Leaks through the paper. Food coloring staining everything. And I came a bit "unglued." I'm reading the book Unglued, and even though I hate to admit it, I have more of these moments than I want. Sometimes at the littlest things. That seem huge in the moment. And this did me in for the day. I was done. I hated pinterest. I wanted the boys to quickly go away so I could try to salvage my pride a bit and clean up the mess without too much damage happening...to the table and floor, and also to my boys.

And in those few moments, I realized (I learned in a new way about myself) just how much control I like to have. Just how neat I like things to be. Just how pretty I want the package to look on the outside. Just how easy the littlest thing could take a day that was going great and turn it upside down for me.

But just like I'm trying to teach Micah these days (probably because he is a lot like me, whether I want to admit it or not), each day is a new day. We get to start over. A clean slate. And I am SO grateful for that! And so grateful for forgiving boys who don't hold these moments over my head. Just like my Heavenly Father!

When I grow up...

None of my kids are perfect.
I'm very aware of this.
I do have favorites.
But it depends on the day...

Just the other day, though, I found myself thinking, "I want to be more like Judah when I grow up."
He has his faults. I don't want the dramatic side or the easily embarrassed side. I don't want to be a boy! I don't want to run around in my underwear all day. But I do want to experience life a little more through his lenses.

Judah sleeps the least. And I think it might be because he loves life so much and he's afraid he's going to miss something! He talks to himself. He yells. Sings to himself. Makes up stories. Talks in "Spanish." And he loves it. He loves himself! He gets upset when we tell him over and over how awesome he is! How awesome God made him! He gets upset because he says, "No, I already know that!"

He gets it. And he experiences life in a way I don't know if I ever fully have.

Judah is in awe of life. His excitement is bubbly and contagious and genuine. One example: we recently got a book from the library called Wink. Disclaimer: I am going to give away the ending...Judah was the first I read this book to after it came home. He was so into it the whole way through. And as we neared the end, and Wink was announced as The Nimble Ninja at the circus, Judah's love of life and people and his genuine excitement for Wink spilled out of his mouth as his exclaimed, "He still gets to be a ninja!!"

I want this filter. This excitement. And I want it genuine like his is.
And he does a stellar machine gun noise out of his mouth.

I want to be a little more like Judah when I grown up...