Is it worth the risk?

Me and Bob Goff!

I just got back from a fabulous opportunity to go to a conference (Storyline Conference) where I met some of my favorite writers, speakers, and bloggers! It was small, up close, and personal. There were hard questions that I sort of want to shy away from but also really want to process. Things I don't know the answer to and am sort of not sure if I want to know the answers. But really know I should work to find the answers.

There are a few things that stick out more than others. That keep rolling around in my head. That won't get out of my thoughts. One was something Bob Goff (wrote the book Love Does) said in his talk to close out the two-day conference. It was in the mix of other stuff. But it stood out to me. It's not something I haven't heard before. But is obviously something I needed to hear again. And something I need to process.

"I would rather fail trying than fail watching."

My immediate thought was, "I would rather not fail. I would rather not fail than fail trying."

I'm not totally sure why. I'm not sure what has put this in me. I know I have always been the person that doesn't want to raise my hand in class unless I know I'm right. I don't want to risk being wrong. I'm the person that wouldn't try out for a team if I thought I wouldn't make it. I wouldn't apply for a job unless I was sure I was going to get it. It doesn't mean I always accomplished these things, but when I was wrong or would lose or would not make the team or wouldn't get hired...I was reminded of why I didn't want to try in the first place. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear. Lots and lots of fear.

But God is not a God of fear. And he has not called us to live in fear. He has called us to live in LOVE. And there is risk in love.

But maybe it's worth it?

Yes, I think it's worth it.

This is still in my head right now. I don't think it has made it to my heart. There is still fear for me. I still sort of think I would rather not fail than fail trying. Because if I fail trying, then I might be a failure. For some reason I think I am going to be defined by this. By my mess-ups. By my failures.

But my mind is sort of shifting to start wondering if this is also failing? Am I failing by not even trying? Not trying to just BE ME. Not trying to risk relationship. Not trying to make new friends. Not trying to figure out what my story is and how God wants me to live it. Not trying new things.

My thinking is starting to shift a little.

Just a little.

Because it is still hard and scary and I still have a fear of failure.

But I think my definition of failure needs to change a little. Or a LOT.

And I need to remember something else Bob said, "It's okay to fail because you'll fall into the arms of Jesus."

YES!

So...it's okay to try, and fail, and fall into the arms of Jesus!

I know there is so much more to this. And to all the other questions and statements that people were speaking directly to me during those two days.

But here's to trying. And risk. And failure. And falling. Into His arms.

Is It Tomorrow Yet?

I have been finding myself saying the phrase "tomorrow" a lot lately.

Tomorrow I will get back on track with my eating...

Tomorrow I will get up early to run...

Tomorrow I will stop being passive aggressive...

Tomorrow I will think of others before myself...

Tomorrow I will read the Bible more...

Tomorrow I will be a better mom...

Tomorrow I will be a better friend...

Tomorrow...

But, the problem seems to be that every day when I wake up, it is TODAY again...

I think I need a new "plan."

I need to think more often about today instead of tomorrow...

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Mt 6:34)

The Gift of Going Second

That time I grew a mustache...

I like free things.

I know really "nothing in life is free" but even still, I like to think it can be in some way.

I am often hesitant to buy a book or watch a movie unless I know without a doubt it is going to be good, I already love the author/actors, or have heard amazing things about them. But if they are free...that's a whole other thing.

I used to go to at least one conference a year while working for my previous church and I loved it! I'm a learner. An experiencer. The hands-on of being there (wherever there might be for that conference) and experiencing the crowd, the noise, the people, the words of wisdom...Don't get me wrong, I am an introvert and I often sneak away at these things just to have a moment of silence and people-watch...but all in all, I enjoy it for the usual 2-3 days these things last. I can usually handle it for that long.

Another thing I like about these conferences is the "free swag." I know, I know...I paid for the conference, so it's not technically free. But it still feels like it to me in the moment. And often this includes books. That I might not otherwise ever buy, but that end up being great (sometimes. sometimes not.). One such book I got years ago that had a great impact on my life (at the time) was Permission to Speak Freely.

I would love to always feel like I have permission to speak freely. I think that's why I was excited about it. What could I learn? What could this look like in my life? Could I be so bold? Could I speak freely? Always?

It's been years, and I remember bits and pieces, but overall, the biggest thing I walked away with after reading this book was the "gift of going second." And I tried hard to put it into practice. And I learned of others trying to put it into practice after I talked about it in a staff meeting. The overall idea is going first (whatever this may look like) and therefore giving others the "gift of going second." This has a lot to do with authenticity. Sharing life- the ups and the downs. The struggles and junk especially. The stuff we don't want to share and don't want anyone else to know about. That's the stuff we should be sharing first so that others realize they are not alone and are willing to share also. They are willing to go second.

I share all of this with the realization that I feel like I have gotten away from this. It is so much easier and more natural for me to keep my thoughts and ideas to myself. To keep my struggles hidden (past and present). To judge others for their junk and pretend like I don't have any. To not talk and not share. To just not even think about it. To only think of me and my comfort level and not think about others and how me sharing first could impact them and help them share more freely. To think about how it's easier to give one-word (often not authentic) answers and move on with life. To not think about going into more detail and being real. It's just easier not to be.

And I share all of this so that I will not just think in my head that I should put this into practice, but to make it public (with the 3 people who read this blog) and be held a little more accountable in these thoughts.

A friend recently sent a long message about life and where's she's at and what she's been going through and what's going on and all that jazz. And I loved it. I thought, "if she had just asked how I was doing, I would have said Good and probably not much more." But she didn't. She shared. The good and the hard. And she gave me the Gift. I wanted to share more back because she shared first.

I want to give others this Gift. Let's all work together to give the gift of going second.

That day I cried...

It certainly doesn't happen very often.
It might be because I don't have a heart.
It might be because I don't have tear ducts.

Or it might be because I just don't want to feel things deep enough to allow myself to cry...That hurts. And I don't want to hurt. And I don't like to cry. And worse than crying is crying in front of people...and then having to rub my snotty nose on my shirt because I have nothing else...

I have been more emotional than normal (basically emotional period, because normal = not emotional) during my 3 pregnancies and shortly thereafter.

I have been more emotional than normal around that special time of the month that we women experience...although I truly think that men experience this too...

But when neither of these things are happening, and I start to feel emotional, I get really nervous...

When I get overwhelmed in a conversation with new friends and the realization that they care...that they are okay with me just for me...the good and the bad and the ugly...and I start to get emotional JUST BECAUSE...I get scared. What do I do with these emotions? What are they and why am I just realizing them at this ripe old age...

And then I get overwhelmed thinking I am so undeserving...of these friends and these blessings I've been experiencing...

And then I get overwhelmed thinking I'm still not sure what I want to do when I "grow up," or thinking I should already KNOW...what's wrong with me???

And then I get overwhelmed thinking I kind of am "grown up" and my kid is going to kindergarten...but I don't seem to be feeling the sadness or strong emotions that others around me seem to be feeling (or at least what they are expressing on social media...) and I wonder if I am a bad parent for not being sad and not crying at this next stage (because really I have been looking forward to this for weeks months)...

And with all this overwhelmedness (it's underlined in red, but I think it should be a word) came tears...I tried to hold them back. In front of my friends. In front of my husband. For myself.

But I think the floodgates opened up and the emotions got the best of me. Grateful. Nervous. Scared. Excited. Blessed. Jealous. Weak. And probably many more that I don't even know how to name yet...

That's just me. Not "emotional." But full of emotions that I don't know what to do with and don't often want to experience...

But I am grateful for a husband who noticed and cared enough to want to know more and to try to get me to talk them out and understand them. Don't want it to be a daily deal, but I do want to be open. To change. To growth. To new things. To love.

And sharing.

It's not always fun. It's not always easy. But I think it should be how we do life. Sharing it!

My Glass Cabinets

I wrote a post about appearances the other day, and by doing so, I could seem like I have it all figured out and I don't worry about it at all. But this is so far from the truth of my life. It's a daily struggle...it's just that I am realizing it and wanting something different.

I was awake in bed early this morning pondering this stuff again. In a slightly different way this time. We moved yesterday. After just a year in a townhouse, we got the opportunity to rent a single family home and so we moved again, just down the street. This new house has something I haven't personally had in a house before.

Glass cabinets in the kitchen.

This scares me.

Whatever I put in there, there's no hiding it.

It's wide open for all to see.

Not just the people who are so close they come in and make themselves at home and know what's in all your cabinets regardless. Those are the people that are ok with your junk (whether it be in the trunk or in the cabinets or anywhere else) and it doesn't feel quite as scary because they love you anyway.

But then there is everyone else. I wrestled for hours as I unpacked the kitchen (always the first place I unpack in a new house) and wondered what I should put on those shelves that would be available for all to see. Whether I liked it or not. Whether it was neat and tidy or not. Whether I was ready for them to see it all or not.

OK, that may have gotten a little deeper there. But that's where my mind went. I am so worried about my new glass cabinets in the same way I am worried about letting myself be "glass" for others. I like to hide the junk. I like to keep it hidden inside and only let those in that have "earned" it.

But I'm sure (in a scary and uncertain way) that this just isn't how it's supposed to be. If I hide my junk then I don't give others the freedom to see mine and share theirs. God takes my junk and uses it for others to be able to see His Glory and His redemption and His goodness. But if I keep all of that hidden inside then I miss out on His grace and others miss out on seeing ALL of me. ALL of who HE created me to be.

So, there has to be more. And if my glass cabinets will help to be a daily reminder to let others see ALL of me, then so be it. Here I am! Come have a look at my new glass cabinets. Come and stay for a while so you can have a look inside of me too. 

It's all about appearances...or is it?

I grew up thinking that appearances were one of the most important things to consider. Things need to look good on the outside. It doesn't matter as much what the inside looks like, as long as we don't let people see it and we manage the outside well.

Over the years I have most certainly dealt with this struggle internally. Not wanting to be all about appearances, while at the same time constantly wanting to appear as though I have it all together. Not wanting to try to fit in to the "mold" while at the same time just wanting to blend in to my surroundings.

But the freedom I have felt more recently by just being able to be me and not always trying to overcompensate or apologize for that has been amazing. Having friends that I really feel comfortable just being around feels so freeing. To be able to ask for help. To not have to say sorry for everything my boys do and make them appear perfect to others. To be able to admit that I have a lot going on right now and I need help with that dinner I said I would prepare. To be ok with not making something from scratch this time. To be ok with not always trying to make sure we are "even" and just knowing that we are friends and it will all even out at some point, without feeling guilty about who is giving and who is receiving at any one moment. I still struggle with all of these. With changing life-long habits and patterns, but I see that it can be different. That I can be ok with my flaws. That it's better to do life together than to appear flawless.

Freedom feels good. I am not perfect. My kids are not perfect. We are far from it. I am often weak and lonely and worrisome and prideful and I want to be around more people who see this and know this and still love me! My kids yell and hit and bite and lie and I want to be around people who see this and know this and don't try to fix them or fix me, but instead love us and through that love help us grow.

It's been almost a year since we moved to this new town. I wrote this post on my pride shortly after that move. Asking for humility is hard and scary and stretching...But it is good. Good to release the need to feel right and perfect and justified in everything. And looking back at the year, I see not only that God is growing me, but also the people God has brought into my life to help me see things differently. And feel them differently. Not to feel loved because of the appearances I have tried so hard to control, but to feel loved just for being me. To feel loved even when people do see it all, and that only makes them love me more.

And feeling the freedom to be me is something that I don't want to lose now that I have "tasted and seen." God is good. He has brought people into my life to be this for me. To show me more clearly what this should look like.  

My rainbow reminder...

I wish I could have captured the whole rainbow that day. It was random and spontaneous and beautiful.
And my thought was "this is supposed to be a reminder of God's promises" but it was a head thing. I couldn't feel it. It wouldn't seem to go any deeper than the head knowledge of the promise. I thought "it's really pretty" and that was about the extent of it.
But today, as I look back through recent pictures, I see it again and feel it more. God's promises. I feel them deeper this time.
I've experienced the answered prayers over the past weeks...months...and looking back at this picture, placing myself once again on the back deck observing the beauty I saw with my eyes that night, I feel it deeper in my heart this time. I can look back and see where God has heard my cries and is revealing himself to me. He knows my heart. He hears my cries. He has promised to never leave or forsake us and I feel this more today. Feeling grateful!