That day I cried...

It certainly doesn't happen very often.
It might be because I don't have a heart.
It might be because I don't have tear ducts.

Or it might be because I just don't want to feel things deep enough to allow myself to cry...That hurts. And I don't want to hurt. And I don't like to cry. And worse than crying is crying in front of people...and then having to rub my snotty nose on my shirt because I have nothing else...

I have been more emotional than normal (basically emotional period, because normal = not emotional) during my 3 pregnancies and shortly thereafter.

I have been more emotional than normal around that special time of the month that we women experience...although I truly think that men experience this too...

But when neither of these things are happening, and I start to feel emotional, I get really nervous...

When I get overwhelmed in a conversation with new friends and the realization that they care...that they are okay with me just for me...the good and the bad and the ugly...and I start to get emotional JUST BECAUSE...I get scared. What do I do with these emotions? What are they and why am I just realizing them at this ripe old age...

And then I get overwhelmed thinking I am so undeserving...of these friends and these blessings I've been experiencing...

And then I get overwhelmed thinking I'm still not sure what I want to do when I "grow up," or thinking I should already KNOW...what's wrong with me???

And then I get overwhelmed thinking I kind of am "grown up" and my kid is going to kindergarten...but I don't seem to be feeling the sadness or strong emotions that others around me seem to be feeling (or at least what they are expressing on social media...) and I wonder if I am a bad parent for not being sad and not crying at this next stage (because really I have been looking forward to this for weeks months)...

And with all this overwhelmedness (it's underlined in red, but I think it should be a word) came tears...I tried to hold them back. In front of my friends. In front of my husband. For myself.

But I think the floodgates opened up and the emotions got the best of me. Grateful. Nervous. Scared. Excited. Blessed. Jealous. Weak. And probably many more that I don't even know how to name yet...

That's just me. Not "emotional." But full of emotions that I don't know what to do with and don't often want to experience...

But I am grateful for a husband who noticed and cared enough to want to know more and to try to get me to talk them out and understand them. Don't want it to be a daily deal, but I do want to be open. To change. To growth. To new things. To love.

And sharing.

It's not always fun. It's not always easy. But I think it should be how we do life. Sharing it!