Tap Out.

 Isaiah, tapping out. 

I've never wanted to watch wrestling.
I've never wanted my kids to be involved in wrestling.
But having 3 boys, I've been told they "need" wrestling as boys. They need to get that energy out and feel connected in that way. And I see it now. I do. I just want them to do it where and with whom their supposed to (and this doesn't always happen) but I do get it.
And it wasn't until I learned all this that I learned what "tap out" means. Not sure I know exactly, but I know for our boys it's when they are being wrestled and they need out. They need to be done. They need the person who is weighing them down to get off of them.
Some days I feel like I just need to Tap Out.
Tap. Out.
There is so much wrestling that goes on in my head on a daily basis. And so much that weighs me down some days. I just want to tap out. I want to stop wrestling in my head. Want to stop over analyzing EVERY. little. thing. Want to stop carrying the burden. I mean, some days it feels like everything. From the food that goes into our mouths to the piles of laundry to making sure my kids are "smart enough" for school and all that involves, to making sure bills are paid...and the list goes on.
I don't always feel overwhelmed. I think in general I am a pretty cool, calm, and collected person. But there are wrestling matches that go on in my head. And in my house. From simple things like have my boys had any fruits or vegetables today, to bigger things, like where are my kids going to go to school and how are we going to make sure we as parents are the biggest influences in their lives instead of friends/peer pressure.
There are so many things I could worry about. So many things I DO worry about. I worry about money, and school, and food, and good looks, and material possessions, and how my boys will turn out, and how much damage I am doing to them, and our old house we still own, and blah, blah, blah, blah...
And then I think about how easy I have it and I feel bad for worrying about any of these things! I know I will have a next meal and I know where it will come from. I know we have 1 car even if we don't have 2 and the one we have is ghetto. I know we have a roof, and clothes, and schools to choose from, and heat, and multiple Bibles, and a Jesus who loves us and died for US. We have so much to be thankful for and we are so blessed! And this is what I need to remember when the wrestling starts to happen. I need to Tap Out. Not just to ignore, but to get out from under the weight of it all and LET JESUS take over. Because that's what he wants. And that's what I need. I need to get over myself, and look beyond myself, and allow myself to be loved by Jesus and love others like Jesus. The worry and the weight gets in the way of all of this.
So "tap out."
I'm letting Go.
And letting Jesus. Take. Over.

An Epic Fail...

 The recent big snow here was great! The kind we only get every 5 or so years. We got over a foot and got to be "snowed in" for a day as a family. We had to do the hard stuff like shoveling our way out...but got to do lots of fun stuff too, like make treats with sprinkles on them, make snow angels, build a snowman, make snow "ice" cream for the first time, etc. It was great to have the hubs home and great to just try and create memories with the boys...

But then there was the time that I found and idea on pinterest, and it was an epic fail. A little bit because there are 3 boys ages 2-5 in my house, but mostly because of me. Because I like things to go smoothly and according to plan. Because I like things to happen the way I expect them to. Because maybe I like to be in control. A little too much.

I can't find the exact site again right now, but this was the idea of what I wanted to do with the boys. They love to paint and I thought it would be a great new take on painting they could enjoy. The part that went great was me just opening the back door and scooping a huge bowl of soft snow off our back porch. After that it kind of went downhill. Complaints about who would pick colors first. Pushing. Whining. More complaining. Me trying to reassure them (and myself) how much fun we were about to have. Boys that I'm trying to get to help that still need help with many things themselves. More whining. Spills. Food coloring stains. More whining about who gets what paintbrush.

And then I finally get all the pieces together and we are ready to paint. Not sure at this point why I didn't just bag the whole thing and call it quits. Hope for what it could be, I guess. But it wasn't as glamorous as I thought. They didn't like the paper I picked. They didn't like the paintbrushes they picked. They didn't like how it looked. More spills. More whining (from me too...).

It wasn't working and I could feel the tension rising inside of me. Spills were happening. Stains were appearing. Holes in the paper. Leaks through the paper. Food coloring staining everything. And I came a bit "unglued." I'm reading the book Unglued, and even though I hate to admit it, I have more of these moments than I want. Sometimes at the littlest things. That seem huge in the moment. And this did me in for the day. I was done. I hated pinterest. I wanted the boys to quickly go away so I could try to salvage my pride a bit and clean up the mess without too much damage happening...to the table and floor, and also to my boys.

And in those few moments, I realized (I learned in a new way about myself) just how much control I like to have. Just how neat I like things to be. Just how pretty I want the package to look on the outside. Just how easy the littlest thing could take a day that was going great and turn it upside down for me.

But just like I'm trying to teach Micah these days (probably because he is a lot like me, whether I want to admit it or not), each day is a new day. We get to start over. A clean slate. And I am SO grateful for that! And so grateful for forgiving boys who don't hold these moments over my head. Just like my Heavenly Father!

When I grow up...

None of my kids are perfect.
I'm very aware of this.
I do have favorites.
But it depends on the day...

Just the other day, though, I found myself thinking, "I want to be more like Judah when I grow up."
He has his faults. I don't want the dramatic side or the easily embarrassed side. I don't want to be a boy! I don't want to run around in my underwear all day. But I do want to experience life a little more through his lenses.

Judah sleeps the least. And I think it might be because he loves life so much and he's afraid he's going to miss something! He talks to himself. He yells. Sings to himself. Makes up stories. Talks in "Spanish." And he loves it. He loves himself! He gets upset when we tell him over and over how awesome he is! How awesome God made him! He gets upset because he says, "No, I already know that!"

He gets it. And he experiences life in a way I don't know if I ever fully have.

Judah is in awe of life. His excitement is bubbly and contagious and genuine. One example: we recently got a book from the library called Wink. Disclaimer: I am going to give away the ending...Judah was the first I read this book to after it came home. He was so into it the whole way through. And as we neared the end, and Wink was announced as The Nimble Ninja at the circus, Judah's love of life and people and his genuine excitement for Wink spilled out of his mouth as his exclaimed, "He still gets to be a ninja!!"

I want this filter. This excitement. And I want it genuine like his is.
And he does a stellar machine gun noise out of his mouth.

I want to be a little more like Judah when I grown up...

To learn or Not to Learn...That is the Question.

In my first 2 weeks of my year of "learning," I think most of it so far has been me opening up and taking a harder look inside myself. I'm reading some books, listening to some podcasts, learning things here and there...but by far it's the inside stuff...And something that matt shared with me this week went something like this, "the greatest learners have found ways to turn criticism into opportunities." So, that's my goal. Opportunity for change!

I wrote a lot down this past week, things I'm learning and such. But the one that struck me most at the time, and has had a hard time leaving my mind, is one that really brought out some strong emotions that I didn't know I had, or that I had never let BE. I'm not a "feeler." It's not a bad thing. Sometimes I think I should be. I know others who are. I just don't tend to enjoy dealing much with my feelings or emotions. But some of them came flooding to the surface last week.

The church that my husband and I recently moved from (after both of us being there more than a decade, and getting married there and having our kids start coming there in their first days of life...) opened up it's doors last week when the weather was bitterly cold and people needed a place to stay. It started for homeless but they also took in dozens of elderly one night too. More on that story. I began seeing posts and pictures from friends on facebook all about it. I was so excited for this. For the Body of Christ BEING the Body to those in need. For those getting a warm bed and loving service. For all that could come of the opportunity. I really enjoyed the posts. I don't get really excited about much. I'm just not that excitable. But I "liked" all the pictures and posts I could!

At first. Then I began to feel a little jealous, I think. I chalked it up to "Holy jealousy." That it was okay because I wanted to be doing what they were doing, but for God's glory. So, that makes it Holy, right? I wanted to be there. I wanted to be a part. I wished they had done stuff like that when we were there. They were changing, for the good, and they were impacting the community as a part of this change.

I think at this point it changed a little to frustration. At this point, this is a lot of emotion for me... Why couldn't I be there? Why didn't they do this before? Why now? Why were we so far away? Why did it bother me so much? I needed to stop looking at the pictures.

As I continued to wrestle with this, I began to ask myself even more questions. Do I just want to be there so bad because I know I can't? Does this help me feel better about myself? If I was there, would I be as involved as I think I want to be when I am so far away and I can't be? What would it really look like for me? Would I make excuses about having 3 small boys or being too busy or living too far away? If it bothered me so much, why wasn't I doing something like this on my own? Why didn't I find my own opportunities? Frankly, I was really hard on myself.

I want to be giving and serving and loving and caring and always put others before and above myself. But when it comes down to it, what am I doing to BE these things? Ultimately, to BE more like Christ. Am I starting with my family? My husband? My kids? Am I keeping my eyes open to see all the needs around me? And when I see them, do I make excuses and keep walking on, or do I stop to think about how I can be part of the solution?

So many thoughts and emotions and feelings and stuff that I didn't know I would feel by seeing some pictures on facebook. So, I'm open. To learn. About why God has allowed me to feel these emotions and about what He wants to change in me as a result.

It's only week 2...this could be a hard year!